I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
