Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
