I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You need a sexual gate keeper
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
