hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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