wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
