I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
