you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
Randomize
