My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
Randomize
