My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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