do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...
exactly, that's why i want something interesting
slutty neuroscientist?
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
