I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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