Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
