It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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