I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
