Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
