she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
