okay pat passed out under dana's car
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
you would pick up someone in the library
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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