Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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