I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
