I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Randomize
