Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
