I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize