This dress was meant to end up on your floor
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
the night ended with taco bell and tears
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Randomize