things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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