My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
