If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
