Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
There's always time for handjobs
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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