i jhust puked up my retainher.
You can't motorboat a personality
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize