I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
