I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Randomize
