i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
