Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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