I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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