Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize