Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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