$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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