oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
Randomize
