We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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