How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
