Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
