i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
