btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
