I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
