Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
