I will die if light touches me.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Randomize