well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize