yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Randomize
