now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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