One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Randomize