i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize