I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
