I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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