Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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