I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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