Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Randomize
