Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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