idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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