Oh man dude like 1000 to 1500 milligrams. Its gonna burn like bad though.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
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