Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
