highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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