so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Randomize
