my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
