Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
