life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
He passed out mid-signature
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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