Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
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